Well I am back at work today on this dreary Thursday. I hate long drawn out work weeks. Well I called out yesterday, which was Veterans day. I just needed a day where I can just lay around and do absolutely nothing. I call these days off “Mental Health Days”. I called out of work about 15 minutes before i was supposed to be going to work. But I needed it; with school and work getting on my nerves. I really needed this day. It was very relaxing. I saw an old friend. I hadn’t seen in awhile. I had fun. It felt good to be around someone to take my mind off my troubles and stress of the everyday struggles. I just laughed and smiled the whole day. But anywho, I hope this day will speed up. Im over it already. LOL! I am ready to go home. *Yawns*
So is it true? My friend said I hadn’t been blogging in a while. I let him know that I was happy. And he said “Well you can still talk about you being happy”. This is so true. We always focus on the negativity. But when things are fantabulous we do not put the same energy into letting people know what is going like we would the latest gossip or rumor we heard. I will not be negative. I hate pouring all my negativity out. LOL! I am happy, and truly blessed to wake up and to still have good health, family, and a job. So for me I guess No News Is Good News!!
Ok so I went out Halloween night. I originally didn’t want to come out at all. It was raining all day. And I had been kind of down lately. But was super excited about dressing up and being a fool for one night 
. I have been so stressed and tired when work and school is up in the evenings. I deserved to get out and have some fun. Me and one of my very good friends decided to go to Fells Point. Well we arrived at Fells Point around 10:00 it was kind of dead. So we decided to head to Federal Hill. We went there last year 2. I had a lot of fun there. In the past years I am always a damn cat or a sexy something. Well cats have 9 lives, and I thought it was time to lay the cat to rest. LOL! I love going down there and seeing the different creative ideas people have. Well as you can see I was a nerd. I think I was a damn good nerd. I already had flat shoes and the knee-high socks. So really all I had to buy were these damn expensive ass suspenders from American Apparel 
So to add to my nerdy look… I added the bandaids in the middle of the frame and stuck some tissue up my shorts to make it look like I didn’t know it was there. Believe it or not. People actually thought that the tissue was stuck. LOL!! I know I look sexx-aay!
For the last ten years or so I’ve been reminded over and over to let go of a person in my life. It was someone who I’d known for some time. It took about a year to really make it stick, had to create a new set of boundries. It is so hard to get it through her head. I am trying to not create hostility between us, yet make sure this person stayed out of my personal life. The person had too often acted to stir up trouble, create drama and I finally had to see it for what it was worth, being this was no friend. Just an aquaintance.
I must admit it’s nice to not have this person calling me of all hours in the day and night to tell me just plain stupid things, no more unasked for advice that was usually bad.
Its hard but I feel we have to go through personal housekeeping every few years and get rid of some friendships.
Have you ever had to do this? Were you able to without making an enemy?
I could have easily blown this person off and the real test was to blow them off and not create hostility and anger, or an enemy.
How do you handle having to let go of old friendships ?
Were you ever able to do it without making an enemy?
Ok so I met this guy. He is a real sweetheart. To be honest with you I do not like to date at all. LOL! It’s just awkward. You might say something to offend the person. You don’t know if you match. Even though, the reason for dating is to get to know each other. I am going to do a new approach to this, this time around. I refuse to make myself so available all the time. For example, In the past a guy would call ask to meet I would jump right up and meet them. It didn’t matter if I had plans or not. I would break these plans to go be with them. I believe I deserve someone to love me for me. I want someone that will love me regardless of my flaws and all (© Beyonce) and what have you. I just want to take it slow. I want to actually learn from my mistakes that I have made in the past. I am not saying I was a perfect girlfriend to anyone. Before I thought that I wasn’t complete without a man. I had to do some soul searching and I love myself more. You cannot love anyone unless you have self love. It will never work. So I am excited about this new journey. I am finally in a place where I am actually proud of myself and what I am accomplishing. I know that I will have a prosperous and productive life. I can smell my success…
A good apology has three parts:
1. I’m sorry
2. It was my fault.
3. How do I make it right?
Lots of people usually miss the third part…
Someone to love and who’ll love me back..
TODAY…
I think I’m gonna wish for something else…
the wisdom and maturity to realize that I won’t find what I want by looking for it…
That I’m not a half, waiting to be made a whole and even if that special person never comes along…
I’ll be just FINE!
Don’t you hate it when? You put all of your eggs in one basket for one person. Thinking that you will have a long meaningful friendship with this person. To find out that they don’t want or feel the same thing. Or to hear that they feel a certain away about you. I am trying not to care about how people think of me. But in reality for me it’s really hard. I am kind of a people pleaser. Sometimes I know people don’t have my best interest at heart. But because I would want someone to do nice things or be there for me when Im in need. I’ll tend to bend over backwards for people that do care for me or don’t. I don’t know how I got to this. Or how I got so attached to this one particular person.
I know he wants nothing to do with me right now. That’s the part that hurts the most. Who wants to feel neglected. Or even at the bottom of totem pole.
I should be happy. I am in school. I have a fulltime job. I have my family and friends. But for some reason I feel empty. I don’t know if it is because of this one person. But I need to get out of this funk. Why should I be sad if he isn’t?
I know that I will always cherish him and our time together. He knows things about me that even my bestfriends don’t know. I thought at one point that he was my bestfriend. I just can’t believe we are ending up where we can’t be friends at all. But I guess this is the end. Lubb ya! *Muah*
Well I am super excited. Im officially on vacation. I don’t go back to work until January 5th. Now the first week will be very relaxing… 2nd week is when you get a lil crazy. LOL!! You get used to being off… then by the time u get into the swing of things… Its back to WORK!! Work what the hell is that? Send a memo?? Huh? Whats a fax machine?? LOL!! No really… Its like that when you get back to work after being off for 2 weeks. But atleast this year… Im getting paid for this 2 week vacation. Thank GAWD for benefits and a State Pin Number!!!!
Anywho… On the flip side. I am so happy that I have not used or am in (L Word). LMAO! Love… Ok you happy. I am no longer going to be faithful to someone that wants to play house but doesn’t want to buy the house… Oh no pimpin that aint me. I know my worth. LOL!! I am going to take this time to get the old Carlyn back. I used to go out… I used to go hang out with friends… I used to go to happy hours… I used to be just fun… I used to be funny… I used to be nicer… LOL!! Well I want to be the old fun Carlyn that used to go out, and wouldn’t sit at home all the time. I am no longer gonna sit on ice and wait for somebody to pick me up when they want to deal with me. I am gonna hang out. Not necessarily date… but I am gonna be more open on gettting to know other people. Well Im on my way out now… PEACE!!!!
Today I think I have had enuff. I mean with everything. Im tired of being second or third too someone. Im tired of settling for less. Im tired of going all out for people, and they dont do the same for me. Im tired of being financially strained (dont say broke). Im tired of being faithful to a man that is not even mine. Im tired of being tired… lol! I dont like the fact how I am there for someone when they are down or need something or anything. But when it comes to me… Its not the same at all. I know this is a depressing post today… (sorry). But to be honest with you, this is how I have been feeling lately. Im tired of living paycheck to paycheck. Im tired of kicking out all of this money to get my car fixed. Im tired of just being the seat filler. Meaning you are just with me until the real person you want… comes back. Im tired of not knowing my worth. Because If I did, I wouldnt be going thru the stuff that Im going thru now. I talked to one of my ears (friends), and she told me that it could be worse and that the devil is trying to get me to make bad decisions. I do believe that is true. But how can I change this?? I feel like it cant get any worse. Hopefully this weekend will get better!
*sigh*
